Sometimes Being Smart Sucks

Can someone who rationalizes and proves things with their mind truly be able to connect with and experience God in a real way? I’ve experienced God. I know God. I believe in God, but yet something is still missing.

I think back to a time a couple years ago when I asked my little sister (she’s 18 now) if she had seen a change in me post-Jesus. Her answer . . . no.

I have some arguments, reasons, and “excuses” for this, but I won’t get into it. The bottom line is her answer was no and that’s cause for a little self-reflection.

When I look at my life pre-Jesus, honestly, I personally don’t even see much of a difference in my actions.

I never partied, drank, did drugs, disobeyed my parents, or really anything else that would be considered a “sinful life.” I was a good kid.

So what would compel me to get saved?

It wasn’t that I had an encounter with God. It was because I saw a bunch of Christians living their lives for God and being different (in a good way) than the people around them. It was compelling enough over the course of time to begin to believe in a God who could transform a life.

After awhile, I gave Jesus a shot.

I distinctly remember my prayer asking Jesus to make my life into a light that would shine differently. I don’t remember it being a prayer because I wanted to shine in a dark world, I’m pretty sure it was just because I wanted to be different. Heh.

Six years later, how different am I? It hurts to say I don’t think I’m much different.

The people that didn’t know me before may say there’s evidence of fruit in my life, so God has definitely done something in me.

But only I know that the “fruit” I exhibit now isn’t much different than the fruit I had before. Can I be a leader within a church and say stuff like that? I may get excommunicated. Please understand I’m not in a bad place. I’m not backsliding. I still spend time with God every day, I still believe in God with all my heart, I’m just wrestling with issues in my life that I share to give me a reason to write it down and process through it.

So I have to ask myself, why am I not any different? The only thing I can think of is the same thing it always goes back to . . . my intellectual, analytical mind.

I feel like I’ve gotten to the point where God is as big as he’s going to be unless something drastic happens.

Until I’m able to have one of those God encounters that changes the way I think about God, that firmly affirms the power of God deep within my heart and soul and everything that I am. Only when that happens do I feel like I will ever achieve what God has for me.

Honestly, I feel like I’ve gotten pretty far with an intellectual knowledge of God. Heck, I quit my job and changed the course of my life to serve God in full-time ministry. You don’t do that kind of stuff unless you know what you’re doing. Which I do.

I know who God is. I know he’s real. I know he has the power to change lives. I know (mentally). But, I have yet to know (intimately).

Have I really given God my heart? Has he even had the chance to transform it? Have I hardened it?

Do I have faith or is it faith based on knowledge?

God, help me.